Enough, But Better

Hi, I’m S, and I don’t like myself very much.

All the books I’ve read and podcasts I’ve listened to would tell me that’s a terrible way to start. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy—I’ve put it into words, and as such, it is true. However, it is true, said or unsaid—I don’t like myself very much. This is what I think about myself: I’m lazy. I’m unfocused. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I’m mean, and I can’t control my temper. No one really likes me, but I don’t blame them. I’m selfish, and I talk too much about myself. I should read more. I should make more art. I should work harder and be prettier. I should be nicer. I should be better.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

So that’s why I made this blog. I’m terrible at regular journals (look! Another negative!)—I usually lose them, or I want to say things when I don’t have it and when I have it again, I don’t have anything to say, or I feel like what I wanted to say was stupid. This blog—easily accessible, open, with the ability to include external media, etc.—will serve as a roadmap. Or, not a roadmap exactly. A logbook, in which I chart the course of my journey to… hell, I don’t know. I hate the word journey. Also, I hate being vulnerable. But maybe that’s what needs to happen.

It’s a mantra I see all over my social media feeds — you are enough. But am I? I don’t know. Maybe I am enough. Maybe I want to be enough, but better.

So, welcome to the logbook in my journey (ugh) of self-love and worth and enlightenment and all those other emotion words that make me cringe.

I don’t like myself very much. But I’d like to change that.

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